I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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