I heard we made out
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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