My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
