I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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