worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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