woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I FOUND THE LEGS
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
