just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
