You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I need a burrito and a hug.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
