I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
