Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
