Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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