I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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