and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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