96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
