I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Sober January is a disaster.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
