anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
