Porn is love you can see.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
