I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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