Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
