The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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