just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
