it was like eating out sand paper
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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