dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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