So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
