awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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