we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
