I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
