my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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