there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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