We're like a lot better than the average bears
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just puked most of my soul out..
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