I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
only if we run a train.
done.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
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I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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