I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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