my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
