you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
