jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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