I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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