i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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