I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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