between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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