he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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