Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
