There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
