My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
