When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
