My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
