Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
