Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
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I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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