pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
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I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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