i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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