Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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