Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
