I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
