There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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