well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
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"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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