I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
