My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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