so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
