I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have fence marks all over my body
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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